On This Day

Facebook ‘on this day’. My oh my aren’t you a sight for sore eyes. 

Is it just me, or does everyone else absolutely cringe at some of their past statuses or should I say humiliating cries out for help.
Every January I get the same thing. 8 years ago, my heart was broken. Broken is probably an understatement. It felt as if someone had ripped my heart out in one swift motion and repeatedly stamped on it until i could breath no more.
I had recently turned 19, trying to settle in to my new life at performing arts school. Exposing my soul to further my Acting career and co-habiting with an array of colourful characters to say the least. To say I was vulnerable is a given, naive and vulnerable. Not the best combination.
Anyway, every year I get to be reminded of this god awful time of my life in which I felt so desperate to claw back my secure long term relationship (4 years and 10 months to a 19 year old feels like an absolute lifetime)- the only relationship I had had of its kind – that I turned to Facebook to express my cries for help. You might think that I was one of those people that wanted the world to ask me if I’m ok, or what had happened. But no, I was worse, I was the person that would write a status to sound like it was ‘ambiguous’ but really it was so obviously aimed at one person to read.
The worst kind. 
I’m sharing this because a) it is funny really, in a you’ve got to laugh at yourself kind of way and b) because perhaps out there, there is a young girl who has just had her heart ripped out and thinks it’ll never mend again. And perhaps I could give her that tiny glimmer of hope that things are going to be just ok.
See, as dramatic as it may sound, I truly felt that at that time there was no point in me being in the world. I distinctively remember floating around in a dream like state, numb to the world around me. Feeling only the tear that seemed to live on my cheek, replaced by another within a second of falling.
I spent nights staring at my dorm bedroom door, willing it to burst open and see my ex rescuing me with a bunch of flowers, begging for me back. Telling me that it was all a mistake- I was worth something.
Nada. I stared for hours. Prayed. Only to be left with the realisation that, actually, I wasn’t worth much at all. At least that’s what I thought. I carried on this notion for a number of years (my therapist may say it still lives on in me, that little nook in my head that tells me I wasn’t worth coming back for). I carried it through an eating disorder, countless flings, an anxiety disorder, my career choices… the list could go on.
The point is that, yes it stayed with me. In some way or another, all these things stay, they are all part of what makes us who we are.
But I am happily married now, to the most wonderful man I could have ever wished for. To my best friend and favourite person in the world. If I had told my 19 year old self not to worry, that I would find the most perfect man who would love me for me. Who would make a vow to love me through sickness and health, till death us do part. Who would appreciate me every day, be as loony as me and who would declare in his speech at our Wedding that he can’t wait to start a family with me (absolute swoon).
Well, I just wouldn’t have believed it. I would have reminded myself that I’m not worthy of that love. My ex didn’t want me, and no one else ever will. (I was stubborn and an Actress – drama is my nature)
So, if you’re out there. And you’re sitting up late at night, about to pour your heart out on Facebook (or Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat.. there’s no escape!). Please don’t. Whoever left you heartbroken doesn’t deserve another inch of your heart splattered all over social media. You’re much too precious for that.
Peace and Love

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